Tattoo

What I love about them is that you can feel the lines even in the dark. Even while skin’s on skin, you feel them writhe, rise and breathe with you, your silhouette only a background now.

Which is why a tattoo is very like a bite. But different.

Unlike a bite, you require no company. The cigarette, the slender glancing of light where the light shies away from the glass, diving into the amber liquid inside—These are all extras. Props to a much bigger act that never ends, that throbs in every line, seen and unseen.

It’s the act of memory.

Some keep photographs. My mother used to label and date each one, serialize them into tameness, preparing you for the change that age makes, slowly. No gurgling toddler-smiles in a tub immediately followed by profile shots of breasts hidden under bemused layers of cotton. No sudden absences from group photos. Big bold titles, like “GOING AWAY PARTY” or “WEDDING” to warn you of the sweet pain that only change can bring.

Some keep bills. Letters. Underwear. Such have the ability to make you feel silly. And they become …cumbersome. Unless of course you prefer filing: then memory becomes the dusty box in the attic, which sits on top of the shaky cupboard where an old lizard lives, snaking up to nibble blue ink and nestle in red silk.

I sometimes let them see one, or two. Under dim lights, with music playing. There always has to be music playing. A lazily stretched tendon… claw marks. A twined rose and thorn. Sometimes from under a black shoulder strap. Lingering along the bone of my ankle. Blossoming where the slit ends.

And yet they do not come close. Because it is easy to see that I require no company. And also— Here are no decorations for a new bride. No invitations to try.

These are scars.

Which is why a tattoo is very like a bite. But different.

Bites are worn with the complacent smile that accompanies a crowd watching a pregnant woman, or a man celebrating a promotion. Cyclical, and will disappear with time. But like tattoos, they serve as reminders.

When he’s biting down just where that rise on your chest begins, his smile buried painfully into your skin, bone on bone to grip harder, waiting for you to give up… give in. When she sucks at your skin, the tightly stretched skin over the bone of your hip, her need bringing blood to cool your skin, waiting for you to fight… or give in.

The morning greets a blot that could’ve been left by an angry child alone with a wall and a purple crayon. To be hidden with the help of collars and scarves.

But these… these are scars. Every line curving scowling lilting crawling clawing on me is in memory of those I have known… in a biblical sense.

Of course they hurt. But they do not ask for your gasp, your strangled cry of confused pleasure. In Japan & the Polynesian islands, only men received the full elaborate back and chest work. Women were given tiny marks across their chest, arms and feet—even then, the receivers. Like insistent bites from weaning cubs. Now they are less confined, the artists. The only test of strength is silence.

Tiny needles, constant, metallic and into your dermis. The ink must go deep for the memory to remain. Being taken a hundred times by a thoughtful man, intent on leaving a mark.

Care is important. Antiseptic cream… no hot baths for a week. Mum labeling and serializing. We all turn into our parents. We all want to keep something.

These scars dance in darkness and in light. It’s the act of memory every night; violence and child-like fear have the same name:
Need.
To be reminded of when you were broken, and yet survived.

The Sioux tattoo their totem to the chests and backs of young warriors, who have proven their strength in battle.
Walking back under streetlights and light rain, you feel them burn under the fabric. Every demanding mouth and every hotel number stenciled into you. The knob of ash glows bright, reflected in the crack of water on the pavement. Somewhere a wolf howls.
Scars are a memory of victory, loss and pain.

Which is why a tattoo is very alike a bite. But different.